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Sing along with justice

March 15, 2002 | Page 4

THINGS ARE getting bad at the Justice Department these days. Not only does Attorney General John Ashcroft make his staff endure a daily prayer meeting, but he's also making them participate in sing-alongs.

A group of Hispanic Justice Department employees recently were summoned to Ashcroft's office, thinking that perhaps their boss was attempting to open a discussion about how to make the Justice Department more diverse.

Instead, Ashcroft handed them copies of a patriotic song he had written called "Let the Eagle Soar"--and commanded them to translate it into Spanish.

Ashcroft is so proud of his "musical achievement" that some Justice Department staffers are complaining that he hands out copies at meetings and strong-arms employees into singing along.

"Have you heard the song?" one employee asked a reporter. "It really sucks."

--Observer, March 3, 2002

The happiest military on earth

HOW DO you make over your image when you have the worst human rights record of any military in the Western hemisphere? Get an inflatable mascot!

The Colombian military--which is currently in the process of bombing a 16,000-mile zone in the southern part of the country--is concerned that citizens don't see it as "friendly enough."

So the army recently revealed its new 10-foot-tall inflatable mascot--a soldier dressed in military fatigues. The giant grinning figure has a real soldier inside--whose job is to go around hugging civilians to get them to "trust" the military.

"Remember, your army loves you," the cartoonish character told townspeople as they waited to cross a military checkpoint. "Join in by denouncing these bandits who are killing this country."

--Reuters, February 27, 2002

Heard it through the grapevine

"FOR A century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."
--George W. Bush, apparently forgetting about Pearl Harbor and the Second World War

"FIRST, LET me say that our thoughts and prayers go out to the families and the friends of the service members who have lost their lives in our ongoing operations in Vietnam."
--Gen. Tommy Franks, apparently forgetting which war he's fighting

"MEMBERS OF the vast left-wing conspiracy are trying to make a big deal out of a hundred grand. That's less than our magazine's annual martini budget! Let's get real--I can't be bought for that kind of money."
--Bill Kristol, editor of the Weekly Standard, who recently admitted that he received $100,000 for a two-year stint on Enron's "advisory board"

"I THINK it will take years before we can repair the damage done by that statement."
--Former President Jimmy Carter, on George W. Bush's "axis of evil" comments

"MICHAEL BLOOMBERG is our brand new mayor here in New York City, and every weekend, he gets on his private jet and goes off to some mysterious location…it's that 'common touch' that endears him to the average New Yorker."
--David Letterman

"NEWSWEEK IS totally--it's all run by Jews and dominated by them in their editorial pages. The New York Times, the Washington Post, totally Jewish, too."
--President Richard Nixon, in a 1972 conversation with Rev. Billy Graham that was made public last week

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