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INSIDE THE SYSTEM March 15, 2002 | Page 4 THINGS ARE getting bad at the Justice Department these days. Not only does Attorney General John Ashcroft make his staff endure a daily prayer meeting, but he's also making them participate in sing-alongs. A group of Hispanic Justice Department employees recently were summoned to Ashcroft's office, thinking that perhaps their boss was attempting to open a discussion about how to make the Justice Department more diverse. Instead, Ashcroft handed them copies of a patriotic song he had written called "Let the Eagle Soar"--and commanded them to translate it into Spanish. Ashcroft is so proud of his "musical achievement" that some Justice Department staffers are complaining that he hands out copies at meetings and strong-arms employees into singing along. "Have you heard the song?" one employee asked a reporter. "It really sucks." --Observer, March 3, 2002 The happiest military on earth HOW DO you make over your image when you have the worst human rights record of any military in the Western hemisphere? Get an inflatable mascot! The Colombian military--which is currently in the process of bombing a 16,000-mile zone in the southern part of the country--is concerned that citizens don't see it as "friendly enough." So the army recently revealed its new 10-foot-tall inflatable mascot--a soldier dressed in military fatigues. The giant grinning figure has a real soldier inside--whose job is to go around hugging civilians to get them to "trust" the military. "Remember, your army loves you," the cartoonish character told townspeople as they waited to cross a military checkpoint. "Join in by denouncing these bandits who are killing this country." --Reuters, February 27, 2002 Heard it through the grapevine "FOR A century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times." "FIRST, LET me say that our thoughts and prayers go out to the families and the friends of the service members who have lost their lives in our ongoing operations in Vietnam." "MEMBERS OF the vast left-wing conspiracy are trying to make a big deal out of a hundred grand. That's less than our magazine's annual martini budget! Let's get real--I can't be bought for that kind of money." "I THINK it will take years before we can repair the damage done by that statement." "MICHAEL BLOOMBERG is our brand new mayor here in New York City, and every weekend, he gets on his private jet and goes off to some mysterious location…it's that 'common touch' that endears him to the average New Yorker." "NEWSWEEK IS totally--it's all run by Jews and dominated by them in their editorial pages. The New York Times, the Washington Post, totally Jewish, too."
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