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INSIDE THE SYSTEM
Insider trading--it's a good thing

July 5, 2002 | Page 4

IF MARTHA Stewart goes to jail, maybe they'll let her make curtains to cover the bars.

The queen of "ordered living" seems to have run afoul of the Securities and Exchange Commission these days. She's being investigated for a shady trade of shares of ImClone, a biotechnology company.

It seems that the day before the company received a negative ruling from the government on a drug application which sent share prices plummeting, Stewart sold 3,928 shares of stock--a whopping $227,000 worth.

Sam Waskal, Stewart's pal and ImClone's ex-CEO, has been charged with tipping off relatives about the rejection--maybe Stewart among them.

It's hard to tell if any of the "mess" is starting to trouble the more-perfect-than-thou Stewart. She still manages to grin while repeating her famous tagline, "It's a good thing," on her daily CBS show.

But recently, on CBS's Early Show, Stewart told host Jane Clayson, "I will be exonerated of any ridiculousness." When Clayson tried to press the issues, Stewart replied, "I want to focus on my salad"--and went back to chopping cabbage with a 10-inch knife.

--New York Post, June 26, 2002

Hot dog of mass destruction

THE U.S. government has added a new vehicle to its list of terrorist weapons: the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

Last week, a pair of Oscar Mayer employees driving the Wienermobile--a hot dog-shaped truck--got pulled over by police for "driving too close to the Pentagon." The college students manning the controls had accidentally pulled onto Route 110, which has been closed to trucks ever since September 11.

"A police officer...was kind enough to direct traffic to allow the Wienermobile to exit," said Oscar Mayer spokewoman Sarah Delea. "They didn't see any signs, but now they know. They'll make sure not to go down Route 110 again."

"This hot dog posed no threat to us," said Virginia State Police spokesperson Lucy Caldwell.

--United Press International, June 21, 2002

Heard it through the grapevine

"NOT IN the United States…No, that's bogus. I mean, that's a socialist statistic. You can believe it if you want to, but it's not true."
--Fox news blowhard Bill O'Reilley, to a guest who quoted a research statistic that said 60 percent of people in the U.S. will live in poverty for a year of their life

"I SPEND time making sure this coalition of freedom-loving countries is strong. They're kind of looking at the United States, and if I blink, it's likely they'll go to sleep. So we've got to stay strong and determined to lead--to lead the world to defend our freedoms, and I'll do just that."
--George W. Bush

"WE REFER to Gilo as 'a Jewish neighborhood on the outskirts of Jerusalem, built on land occupied by Israel in 1967.' We don't refer to it as a settlement."
--CNN statement on the Israeli settlement of Gilo

"THE MOST absurd part of my escape from an unjust system is that I have exchanged one system that suppresses free opinion for another. The Republicans in the United States manipulate public opinion and sweep any controversial issues under the table. It's depressing. Decisions in America are based solely on the question of 'how much money will come out of it' and not on the questions of how much health, morals or the environment suffer as a result."
--Tennis great Martina Navratilova, who fled Czechoslovakia at the age of 18 for the United States

"IF YOU don't watch the commercials, someone's going to have to pay for television, and it's going to be you."
--Jamie C. Kellner, CEO of Turner Broadcasting, to television viewers who use digital video recorders to skip commercials

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