Let them eat Quesalupas

THE GERMAN pharmaceutical conglomerate Bayer is planning to take over agribusiness giant Monsanto. International regulators are investigating whether to approve this monopoly, while Marvel superheroes are gathering to plan how to take on this new doomsday machine.

I'm only half kidding. Monsanto has given the world PCBs, the atomic bomb, Agent Orange and DDT. Bayer created heroin, used slave labor in Auschwitz and literally put the gas in Nazi gas chambers.

I'm guessing Lockheed Martin executives were also at the meeting, but declined the takeover offer, at which point a trap door dropped them into a shark pool as the merger talks continued over the sounds of their screams.

U.S. DAIRY farmers are producing "too much" milk, so they've had to throw away 43 million gallons this year (yes, tons of people are still starving all over the world.) Before you get too mad at the dairy industry, understand that they've been working really hard to find a solution, deploying top-notch "food scientists" to Yum! Brands to develop new menu items like Pizza Hut's Cheesy Crust Pizza and Taco Bell's Quesalupa.

There are so many gross things about this story, and that's before you wonder what Samsung is going to do with all those flammable phones they've had to recall. Hey everybody, now each Quesalupa comes with a half-priced Chicken Galaxito!

SPEAKING OF products pushed on us by Corporate America, the presidential election is entering the final month. Trump is free-falling so badly, he can't even book a gig at Harlem's Apollo Theater, a venue famous for its legendary amateur nights.

The final straw turned out to be the videotape of Trump boasting about sexual assault to Billy Bush. How many black sheep can one family have? Do the Bushes have a secret army of Fredos waiting for their chance to ruin what's left of American society?

Trump's defense of the indefensible was that it was just locker-room talk. My question is what locker room? The Nashville Predators? (That's a hockey joke for my big following among Tennessee's Canadian immigrant community.)

So Trump is refusing to admit wrongdoing for acts of assault, even when he's caught on tape. It's hard to imagine anyone else getting away with something like that--other than every police department in America.

HURRICANE MATTHEW tore up the Carolinas, but the storm unearthed 16 Civil War cannonballs near Fort Sumter, an important historical find. Finally, there's a good side to global warming!

Maybe future superstorms will uncover more artifacts that will help explain American history to whatever species has taken our place once we're extinct from climate change. Whoever they are, I bet they'll have a hard time figuring out why we tried to stop the rising waters with sandbags filled with cheese.