The freedom to marry

August 10, 2011

In June, New York state became the latest state to legalize same-sex marriage. One month later, on July 24, the first same-sex marriages were performed in the state. Here, Jake Kornegay describes officiating at his friends' marriage ceremony at Niagara Falls.

TWO DEAR male friends of mine married in Niagara Falls last week, the first week that same-sex marriage was legal in New York state.

On the Canadian side, Henri and James met a woman who considered coming to their wedding. When I said, "Wow, society hasn't crumbled in Canada since you legalized it, has it?" she looked at me like I was a complete moron. I believe she made my point.

The Falls are beautiful, but the real action wasn't at the Falls or in the casinos. It was in the chapel, the county clerk's office and the hotel suites, where friends and family met with and got to know each other, swapped stories of how they came to accept and be excited for James and Henri, and partied in celebration of their union.

Relatives ranging from ages 6 to 75 came. It was a scene that seemed almost unimaginable even a decade ago. Friends and coworkers back home contributed money and support for the happy couple, too.

Some have heard about the city clerk who, right after we won same-sex marriage in New York, said she wasn't going to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples here because it went against her personal beliefs. The media had a field day with it: "Look at the ordinary people who hate gay marriage! The Religious Right is gaining strength and will surely take this away from you!"

James and Henri on their wedding day
James and Henri on their wedding day (Jake Kornegay | SW)

Yeah, right. We won, they lost, the tide has turned, go home and lick your wounds. Soon enough, we'll have California and Maine back--and more.

I'd double down on my bet that the homophobic clerk's reaction is the exception. Maybe things are rosier in Niagara Falls than elsewhere, but from reports around the state, including where I live in the Bronx, it sounds like they're pretty rosy just about everywhere.


SINCE SAME-sex couples began to marry there have been a multitude of stories of clerks across the state thrilled to be a part of history. Dozens of judges signed up for Sunday duty on July 24, the first day same-sex marriage was legal. They pretended to maintain their impartiality, but a few cracked and gushed. And hello, why else volunteer to work on a Sunday? Hundreds of couples took advantage of these judges' ability to waive the usual 24-hour waiting period and got married on the first day it became legal.

Henri and James are delightful people who light up rooms wherever they go, but when they walked into the Niagara Falls Office of the City Clerk and asked to get a marriage license, the room began to hum electric.

The clerk who helped type up the license was clearly thrilled, and the women in the office behind her could barely contain their smiles. One held up two thumbs and beamed at the boys. People doing business in the clerk's office like us were grinning. One man introduced himself as a minister and congratulated James and Henri, saying that it was "about time."

A U.S. Border Patrol officer congratulated them. The man who checked us in at the hotel was visibly pleased. Of course, you would expect places of business to be supportive (ka-ching!), but it was like that all over. As much as the polls show ever-increasing support for same-sex marriage, it's exhilarating to actually experience it.

To have also had the fortune of officiating at Henri and James's wedding was a great honor--a highlight of my life. As a movement of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and allies, we fought like hell for this. And as much as there is still plenty of work to do, it now seems like nothing is impossible.

This isn't just one win in a protracted multigenerational struggle. And it's not just about the important benefits same-sex couples deserve as much as opposite-sex couples. Forget about the "sanctity of marriage" or "family values" in the conservative sense. To many of the couples getting married, it's about what it means to be human. To hold hands, to kiss, to love without fear. To live our lives together as we wish, as we deserve. To unite and truly be as one.

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