Trumpin' Around!

Columnist Danny Katch, author of Socialism...Seriously: A Brief Guide to Human Liberation, imagines a day in the life of the new president as a scene in a 1980s sitcom.

Script for Trumpin' Around!
Episode 1: The Last Word

Trump Tower, executive suite. DONALD sits at the world's most incredible luxury desk, doing his best to strike the same pose as the painting behind him of DONALD sitting at the world's most incredible luxury desk. MELANIA sits on the other side of the desk, facing him.

MELANIA: Donald, what's this I hear about trouble with the transition?

This Week in Capitalism | By Danny Katch (Eric Ruder | SW)

DONALD: It's nothing sweetheart. I wanted to raise the morale of all the government workers, so the other night I went online at three in the morning and ordered thousands of cubicle signs with a funny saying: "You don't have to be racist to work here. But it helps!"

Laugh track

DONALD: It reminded me of Cathy--absolutely terrific cartoon. Anyways, there's been a backlog in the factory in Mex-- (awkward pause) Er...I mean Michigan.

Laugh track

MELANIA: No, not that, Donald. I mean your transition team. The news is reporting chaos and internal power struggles. You did choose between Reince Priebus and Steve Bannon, right?

DONALD (offended): Of course I did! I asked Reince to be my chief of staff.

MELANIA (relieved): Good.

DONALD (sheepishly): And then I asked Steve to be my chief strategist.

Laugh track

MELANIA: Donald! You just asked two different people to be your right-hand man! And one of them is a Republican Party loyalist, and the other is a far-right provocateur.

DONALD (Hands on his head in dismay): I know.

Knock on the door

DONALD: And they're both coming over right now. You've got to help me get out of this, Melania!

MELANIA (standing up): Oh no you don't, buster. What do we always say in this family when someone commits a sex crime?

DONALD (speaking like a child): It's my responsibility to make it go away.

MELANIA (exiting as REINCE and STEVE enter): That's right. Good luck! (to herself) You're gonna need it.

Laugh track

REINCE: Good morning, Mr. President-Elect.

STEVE: Heil Trump!

DONALD (awkwardly): Uh, hi fellas. Well, enough small talk. Let's get right into my first hundred days. What do you think, Reince?

REINCE: Well sir, since Republicans have all three branches of Congress, I say we work closely with party leaders and reassure our donors that our main goal from day one is to privatize Social Security and Medicare and eliminate all taxes on the wealthy, thus creating millions of jobs in funeral homes, domestic service and crystal meth distribution.

DONALD: I'm convinced. Let's get to work on that right away. This meeting is adjourn--

STEVE: Excuse me, sir, but I have a different idea.

DONALD: Shoot.

STEVE: Screw the party leaders. Screw the funders. You're in charge now, sir, with millions of passionate followers. We'll organize them into armed battalions--with orange uniforms in your honor. On the first day of your presidency, these Orange Shirts can smash up windows of businesses that employ illegal aliens and torch a few mosques. (quieter, as if he's forgotten that other people are in the room) Of course, that'll just be the start. We haven't gotten to the Blacks and the gays and the campuses yet. But we will. WE WILL!

Long pause. REINCE looks terrified. DONALD has a blank expression for a few seconds until he seems to snap to attention.

DONALD: I'm convinced. Let's get to work on that right away. Meeting adjourned.

REINCE and STEVE look at each other confused and then back at DONALD.

REINCE: Uh sir, which plan do you mean?

DONALD: The one I just heard.

REINCE: (flustered) But...but Mr. Trump, we have a unique opportunity to make rich people richer than they've ever been. All those elites who laughed at you will see you as their hero.

DONALD: Good point. We'll go with that.

STEVE: But sir, we can finally purify our mongrel nation's polluted blood!

DONALD: That's true. Let's do the fascism thing. (stands up from his desk) Okay, that's enough presidenting for one day. I need to check in on my golf courses. Dismissed.

STEVE and REINCE stand and slowly start walking toward the door. REINCE stops suddenly.

REINCE: You go ahead, Steve. I just remembered something I have to talk to the president-elect about. Nothing major. Just a silly little detail about tomorrow's calendar.

STEVE (warily): Oh hey, you know what? I think I left my phone in here. (starts slowly walking around the office pretending to look for it.) Go ahead and tell Mr. Trump what you have to say, and I'll follow you out.

REINCE (quietly and through clenched teeth): I'll tell him as soon as you leave the room, Steve.

STEVE (in the same menacing tone): Right after you, buddy.

Laugh track

Long pause as REINCE and STEVE stand there staring at each other.

DONALD (sarcastically to himself): Well, this is working out well so far.

Laugh track

Sudden loud knock, door opens to reveal SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1

SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1: Mr. Trump! Special visit from President Barack Obama, sir! Everyone else clear out!

REINCE and STEVE (whispering, looking at each other in horror): Oh no!

Laugh track

REINCE and STEVE move to the outer part of the room as BARACK sits down in front of DONALD'S desk surrounded by a wall of Secret Service.

BARACK: Congratulations Mr. President-elect. How's the transition going so far?

DONALD: It's a little harder that I thought. In one ear, I've got Reince telling me to team up with the Republicans, and in the other, I've got Steve calling for blood in the streets. This job isn't as easy as I thought. (looks up at BARACK plaintively) What do you think I should do?

REINCE and STEVE look at each other and mouth "Oh no!"

Laugh track

BARACK: Well, Donald I'm glad you asked. Here's exactly what you should do: Whatever you think is best.

DONALD: Really?

BARACK: Really. You may feel overwhelmed at first, but I just came over here today to tell you that as our country's next president, you've got my support, and I'm hoping that you can make wise decisions for the good of our nation.

Audience "aww" track, building into applause

REINCE: (smiling) Whew! We really dodged a bullet there. How naïve can Obama be? Maybe he really is a Kenyan Muslim, after all.

STEVE: You know, for a RINO cuckservative, you're not half bad.

Laugh track

REINCE: I have no idea what that means, but right back atcha!

Big laugh track

DONALD: Are you two knuckleheads still standing there? Hey Barack, how do I do a drone strike on my own staff?

DONALD, BARACK, REINCE, STEVE and SECRET SERVICE AGENTS #1-7 tip their heads back in laughter. Freeze shot. Roll credits.